Lament of an Assist Trophy
by SSBFreak
Summary: The life of an Assist Trophy is hard, especially when a couple of them feel that they could be better fighters.


"…And I know for a fact I'd be able to fight in those stupid arenas way better than half the twerps that the Hands invite! I mean, there was an Animal Crossing Stage and everything! Why wasn't I included on the roster! I'm armed with a pickaxe, so it's not like I'd be unarmed in those fights! Heck, I'd be tempted to enter the ring _WITHOUT_ it to gives those fighters a fair chance! Why'd I get stuck as an Assist Trophy when I've got a lot more potential than that?! And…"

Strangely enough, despite the ramblings coming from the mole dressed as a miner, this was normal in the void of Assist Trophies.

The void of white was where the Assist Trophies gathered during fights. That way, whenever someone on the arena grabbed an Assist Trophy, one of the characters in the void would be summoned at random, then be returned once their time was up.

Needless to say, a lot of the Assist Trophy characters didn't like the fact that that was all they were. Most of them wanted to be out on the field as an actual fighter, and while some had a good chance for future tournaments, this was unfortunately where they were all stuck.

As Mr. Resetti was going on his usual rant as to why he would have been a great fighter, Knuckle Joe and Little Mac were sparring. Mac was doing far better (as was to be expected; his new game gave him a popularity boost which increased his chances at being invited as a fighter next time), but Joe was giving him a rough challenge for sure. Tingle was testing out some new magic, which ended up nearly dropping a hammer on Stafy. The Nintendog was playfully trying to catch the Exitebikers and the Advance Wars battalion (all the while the tanks and Ray Mk III were bombarding it with ammo to get rid of it; luckily, they did no damage to the dog). Kat & Ana were off discussing ninja techniques with Gray Fox, whom still looked surprised that the two little girls were ninjas to begin with. Jill's dozer had once again gone out of control and she was currently chasing Dr. Wright around, trying to stop her machine. Barbara was fiddling with her guitar, Jeff was toying with his bottle rockets and Saki was making sure that his ammo was full. The Lakitu was bombarding the Devil with Spinies, greatly annoying the blue creature. Helerin was floating around aimlessly, but that was to be expected. Lyn, Isaac and Shadow were sitting aside, away from the carnage.

Also sitting aside were two distinctive figures. One was overweight and was holding a samurai sword while the other was absurdly thin and dressed in a purple plumber's outfit.

"Seriously, when is that mole going to be summoned?" Samurai Goroh, the overweight samurai, asked. "He's got the longest time out on the field, so that means more time away from the rest of us."

"Couldn't tell ya." Waluigi shook his head. "But you have to remember that there's a bunch of us here."

"I hadn't forgotten that, stupid. I just wish that Resetti was summoned more."

"Don't we all?" Waluigi rolled his eyes, ignoring the insult; he'd received (and given out, for that matter) much worse. "He thinks he's the best candidate from the Animal Crossing series to be a fighter."

"You kidding? That raccoon guy has way more possibilities for a moveset." Samurai Goroh shook his head. "I know for a FACT he's got more potential than YOU do."

Before Waluigi could get the chance to add a snide remark, a familiar voice was heard.

"_Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"_ A monotone voice asked, as if trying to sing but failing miserably. _"Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?"_

Samurai Goroh and Waluigi looked up and saw the polygonal version of Andross' head floating around aimlessly overhead. The robotic version of the evil emperor always turned on when it was summoned and went into standby mode whenever it returned to the void.

"Did we ever find out why the Hands created a copy of Andross and just didn't invite him?" Samurai Goroh asked.

"The Hands apparently didn't trust the real Andross, and quickly frankly, I don't blame them. That ape's liable to attack everyone here." Waluigi shook his head.

"Then why the crap do they invite Bowser and Ganondorf?!"

"Who would you rather go against? A couple of villains your own size or a villain so huge all that would fit on the screen at one time is his oversized head and two hands?"

"…Touche." The overweight samurai grunted. "But that doesn't explain why that thing keeps spouting off those stupid songs whenever it's not on."

"The Hands call it a flaw in the design. If you ask me, I think they just want to annoy us." Waluigi replied.

"We've already got that stupid mole to listen to and that creepy fairy thing to look at." Samurai Goroh said, pointing at the dancing Tingle. "What made them think we needed something else to make our lives miserable?"

"_Move your hands from side to side."_ The robotic Andross head droned as it floated around. _"Come on, it's time to go. Do the Mario."_

"Seriously! Doesn't that thing have an off switch?!" The Hammer Bro. screamed, hurling hammers at the robot head.

"If we turned it off, it wouldn't activate when it was summoned." Waluigi said. "Then the Hands would dock our pay for interfering with the fights."

"You guys get _**PAID?!**_" The Hammer Bro. continued, stopping his hammer onslaught for a second.

Unfortunately, one of the hammers ended up striking the Metroid. The alien screamed and zoomed at the Hammer Bro, latching onto his face. The hammer-throwing turtle stood in silence for a few seconds before letting out a muffled scream. He then started running around blindly, trying to get the Metroid off his face.

"Man. I don't belong here." Waluigi sighed. "I should be out there kicking behind with Wario."

"You kidding? If you were brought in, you'd just be a clone!" Samurai Goroh replied sharply.

"Says who?! I've got weapons!" Waluigi insisted. "I've got a tennis racquet, a golf club…"

Samurai Goroh laughed. "You call that sports equipment weapons?!" He asked as he showed Waluigi his sword. "I've got a REAL weapon! If I became a fighter, the others wouldn't stand a chance!"

"Then you'd be a clone as well! Probably of one of those Japanese kids!" Waluigi shot back.

Samurai Goroh looked offended. "ME be a clone of those blue-haired guys?!" He repeated. "No way! That Marth kid is all about style and precision! I'd be all about slicing stuff with as much power as possible!"

"Sounds a lot like that Ike guy to me." Waluigi taunted.

Samurai Goroh's eyes widened behind his shades. "Why, you little-"

The overweight samurai lunged at Waluigi in an attempt to wring his neck when Shadow teleported in between the two, holding the two enemies apart.

"I don't want to know who started it, but-" Shadow said.

"_**HE DID!!"**_ Goroh and Waluigi shouted as one, pointing at the other.

"…I was going to say that I couldn't care less." Shadow said. "Now keep quiet. You're scaring the kids and the Nintendog."

"When did you care for the kids?" Waluigi challenged. He was promptly punched in his oversized nose for his troubles.

"Keep that up and I'll unleash more than a Chaos Control." Shadow warned.

With that, Shadow teleported away again. Once they were alone, Waluigi sighed. "Who are we kidding? If any of the Assist Trophies have a shot at becoming a fighter next time, it's Little Mac." He stated.

"I hear you. With the success of his new game, I wouldn't be surprised if Mac gets announced early on when the next game is revealed." Goroh agreed. "It sucks big time. I KNOW that if I'd get a chance, I'd totally be a top-tier character."

"_**TIERS ARE FOR QUEERS!"**_ Dr. Wright objected randomly.

Everyone in the void of white looked at the green-haired city-builder strangely. Even Mr. Resetti, for a very brief and savored moment, stopped talking. The only sound that could be heard was the Andross robot singing overhead.

Dr. Wright blinked, then looked around a few times. "I have no idea why I just said that." He said.

Mr. Resetti was about to continue his long-winded rant when he was suddenly engulfed in a white light and vanished, meaning that he had been summoned to the field.

"_THERE __**IS**__ JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!!!"_ All of the Assist Trophies that could talk shouted as one.

"Well, at least we get about two minutes of silence with him gone." Waluigi shrugged.

"This is the song that doesn't end. Yes, it goes on and on, my friend." The Andross robot droned.

"**DON'T YOU DARE RUIN IT!!"** Waluigi screamed at the robot head as it floated by.

Samurai Goroh sighed. "Well, at least we can take some comfort in knowing that we've still got a better chance at making it in over some of the other Assist Trophies." He said.

"Yeah. They could use both of us if they're short on villains." Waluigi shrugged.

"And both the F-Zero and WarioWare series could use more representatives." Samurai Goroh added.

"Well, I guess the only thing we can do now is wait." Waluigi said.

"Yeah. I mean, the next game shouldn't be TOO far off, right?"

"No. It'll probably be few years at most."

"If it means that I'd be able to get out of this dead-end job as an Assist Trophy, then it'll be worth the wait."

"You said it."

The two sat in silence for a couple of seconds.

"For the record, I still hate you, fat boy."

"Likewise, strong bean."

END


End file.
